Kudos 2.50 after 4 votes |
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I haven't looked at this in a while...but I'll give some background info. The intro is set in a fantasy world...Vorn is a country with a lot of government issues...shwugles are a cross between a bat and a butterfly but only have one eye...
Here goes: Chapter 1/Prologue
King Igmarius rode on to the Vorn Mountains, his three generals close behind him. His red cloak whipped the wind as the mountains grew larger and larger. A shwugle watched them from above, flying just high enough to remain undetected. Igmarius spurred his horse faster, now that there were no terrain obstacles. Now you could see the cave in which the King was headed. Gimesh, one of the Za'an, waited for the King to arrive.
He did not have to wait long. Igmarius arived quickly and dismounted, as did his generals, who each took a step back. None of them completely trusted the Za'an yet- their hands rested upon their weapons. Gimesh rose and bowed to the King, as he was told to do. In his hands lay a velvet bag.
"I assume that is the tribute from Zoltagh, your leader? May I check the contents to be sure it is as I was told to expect?" Igmarius asked.
"Be my guest." Gimesh answered, handing him the bag. "Be careful not to actually touch it..."
"Of course." Igmarius replied, as if it was pointless of him to say such a trivial thing. He carefully opened the bag, and holding it from the outside, revealed a large, black orb with a tiny flame burning at the center, which made it resemble an eye. Igmarius let it fall back into the bag and handed it to one of the generals.
"Leave for Fort Telgar. Make sure it is well guarded. Return to the castle once this task is complete."
The general looked at the others and replied, "Yes, my lord." He then mounted his horse and sped off.
Igmarius turned back to Gimesh. "Where is the rest, then?"
"T-there is none. All I was told to deliver was the orb."
"Hmph. I will accept that answer for the time being, but be aware- if your master tells me otherwise, it is you who shall be punished. That is all." Igmarius turned to his attendants. "We must return to the capital at once."
Kudos 2.50 after 4 votes |
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Comments, critiques and replies
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Hiya,
I had a read over this and wanted to feedback for you:
Firstly I just wanted to convey that I really liked where this story could head from this snippet. I especially
like the fact that you have made the reader question straight away with what could be so important that
a king sees to it personally.
Next I would have a liked to have a seen a little more description or speech around the unique elements
to your world for example some description in the story rather than before it about shwugles and the Za'an
was very vague so perhaps you could have had one of the generals on the ride say something like ... "I
don't understand why we have to trade with those darn Za'an they are fanatics who would do anything to
see the monarchy abolished." Or whatever may be suitable to the group. Even a small amount will make
your average Jo Bloggs i.e. Me, feel much more comfortable and less alienated to the going ons.
Lastly just a double check on spelling for example ...
"Be careful not to acctually touch it..."
Although I just want to say that it did hook me and want me to find out exactly what was going to happen
next. So please keep writing and posting and I will be more than happy to read anything you have written.
Regards
Gary | Gary Jarvis [122] | 23/03/2009 |
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